Don’t Feed the Hippies

Ocean Beach Homeless Sticker

The laid-back community of Ocean Beach (“O.B.”) is making it known that it no longer tolerates voluntary homelessness. OB is always hit hardest by the summer influx of 20-something males harassing pedestrians for money by day and urinating in doorways at night. Fed up O.B. residents are building awareness of the problem by displaying bumper stickers proclaiming, “Welcome to Ocean Beach. Please Don’t Feed Our Bums.”

Wild bums—especially hippies, burnouts, and trolls—should never be fed, given money, or allowed to obtain unattended tall boys or packs of cigarettes. Feeding these bums destroys the environment by increasing the spread of inharmonious percussion music, puka shells, and fixed gear bicycles. Supplemental feeding also encourages bums to become dependent on handouts, leading to the loss of their natural ability to forage for vegan products at Whole Foods. At the end of summer, when seasonal foresting opportunities diminish, bums who have lost their natural foresting behavior may be left with only one disastrous option to migrate back to their natural habitats: asking their dad for more money.

Watch out for your safety. Bums that receive these “rewards” just once may develop a reliance on generosity and become aggressive, requiring the police to remove them from their natural habitats and secure them in re-habitation cages. Think twice before you grant a bum’s request to “help buy a bus ticket back to Berkeley.” A moment’s pleasure of giving may lead to undesirable consequences.

Newcomers to O.B. may be unable to differentiate legitimately homeless people worthy of charity from migrating college kids preying on your sympathies. Don’t be misled; serious injury or at least mild annoyance from their crappy music could result. Develop a keen eye. Doing so will ensure that your generous givings are not wasted on iTunes downloads of Fall Out Boy. Inspect their mouths for expensive dental work and look out for cell phones or other visible clues of faking homelessness. Remember that a man with a pubescent beard, mascara, and $200 skinny jeans is anemic by choice. When in doubt, just ask a friendly Hell’s Angel nearby to help you differentiate. OB carnies become a nuisance–you may start by giving out one cigarette, but, within a short space of time, great flocks can descend.

Alleged Homeless Guy

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