Hello, USD law students! My name is Moe Shuns, and, as part of my parole, I have been ordered 5,000 hours of community service. Because the judge allowed me to partake in this advice column, each hour I spend helping you law students with your legal problems gets me one step closer to finally getting this ankle bracelet off my leg!
First, a little about myself: I graduated in 2004 from the best law school in San Diego. For legal reasons, I cannot name which school that is. Nevertheless, after realizing there weren’t too many jobs for graduates of my school who finished in the bottom five percent, I began chasing ambulances in hopes of finding that one lucrative client who would guarantee me fame, fortune, and an endless supply of sexy paralegal play!
Unfortunately, in chasing those ambulances, I could only run so fast, and, as it happened, I knocked a little old lady off the sidewalk and into the street, where she fell into an open manhole. (What are the odds, right?) So after serving eight months in the slammer for negligent homicide, I was paroled. And here I am, servicing my community for—at minimum—5,000 hours.
And now, you lovable law students, let’s get to your questions!
A few weeks ago I got a little carried away playing intramural softball and may have assaulted the opposing team’s first baseman. He is now threatening legal action, and, with exams right around the corner, I’m getting a little freaked out. What should I do?
Over My Head in Ocean Beach
We’ve all been there before. Whether it be because of an opposing softball player, that scheming mailman who I just know is stealing my Publisher’s Clearinghouse checks, or that cognitively disabled grocery bagger who always uses paper bags when I specifically requested plastic ones, we all understandably lose our cool sometimes.
The most pressing question about your situation is this: Did you win the game? In all likelihood, you will be facing a jury, and in order to garner enough sympathy from them I’m hoping you lost big. If you got mercy-ruled, all the better. However, if you won, I am saddened to say that it will be tough for you to walk away a free man. May I suggest “bumping into” your victim in a dimly lit parking lot? While I don’t have a lot of courtroom experience, I’m pretty sure it cuts down on attorney fees and court costs if you scare the victim from contacting the authorities.
With the holidays fast approaching, I am really looking forward to seeing my family back East! But after hearing about the new TSA security measures at the airport, I’m worried to say the least. I feel that my only options when traveling are to submit to a full-body scan that would let people see my privates (and that might also have health ramifications) or to have a TSA agent gently caress my nether-regions. I’m not cool with any of that. What do you suggest?
Well-Endowed . . . No Seriously! in La Jolla
First off, you’re not going to find a bigger patriot than me. In fact, every Fourth of July, I seek out an Englishman and attempt to run him over with my yellow Hummer while screaming back at him, “Don’t tread on me, you limey bastard!”
Anyway, the last thing we want to do is let the terrorists win. So what we need to do is show solidarity with our government and comply with everything Uncle Sam says! So if you are in fact worried about the radiation from those full-body scanners, there’s nothing wrong with our friendly government physically confirming that you aren’t carrying explosives next to your genitalia. After all, who is to say that you aren’t a terrorist? “Innocent until proven guilty,” “habeas corpus,” and “right to privacy” are all pre-9/11 phrases that anti-Americans still like to hang onto. It’s time they move into the 21st century with the rest of us!
Last week I was having a great time at the bar review and smooched this 3L because he promised me an outline for my civil procedure class. Does that count as consideration for the outline?
Romantically Challenged 1L
As we learned lawyers know, consideration is comprised of three elements: detriment to the promisee, benefit to the promisor, and bargained-for exchange. As the promisee, in order to figure out if you have suffered the required detriment, I must ask some personal questions. When you close your eyes, do you picture his chiseled face and smile? Or do you shudder at the thought of touching him ever again? If it’s the latter, you have no doubt suffered a detriment. A detriment will be found in any of the following scenarios as well: your friends saw you kiss him, he used way too much tongue, he has herpes.
Secondly, was there a benefit to this guy? While I have my doubts about any girl who uses the term “smooch,” I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and conclude that the guy wouldn’t have offered this deal had he not thought you smooch-able in the first place.
And so long as you only kissed him after you agreed to the deal, we have a bargained-for exchange. So, all in all, this sounds like a contract and could hardly be seen as “pro bono.” Well . . . at least not for you! So scare him with your legal talk, and he’ll be forwarding you that outline in no time.
That’s all for this week, students! Make sure to send your actual questions, however bizarre or mundane they may be, to firstname.lastname@example.org. Make sure to address the e-mail to me, Moe, in the subject line. I’ll pick the best ones and answer them right here, next issue!