Moe Shuns, Esq. at Your Service! (Feb. 2011)

Hi again, law students! I’m back to answer more of your law-related questions.  And remember, the fact that I was disbarred means that by definition I, at one point, did have my bar card. So you know my answers to your questions are second to none.  Now let’s get to your pressing issues.

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Dear Moe:

This morning while hunting for a parking spot, I thought I had found one, only to have it stolen under suspicious circumstances. Because of a blind corner, it was unclear who was there first, and my opponent’s heavily tinted windows made it impossible for me to see if he or she was responding to my hand motions. I feel I was wronged by this spot thief in his Mercedes Benz; what can I do?

Please help me,

Pissed Off North “Parker”

Dear Pissed,

While I never attended USD, I have attended (uninvited, of course) your “Dean’s Mixers,” so I can indeed empathize with your plight. But if there’s one thing that gets me more worked up than circling a parking lot looking for a space, it’s having some guy steal my spot right as I’m about to pull into it. That’s why I always have a slot screwdriver in my trunk. (Philips Heads are simply not narrow enough to puncture vulcanized rubber the way a slotted screwdriver can.)

In your case, though, you must be more careful. The person who took your spot might eventually be your co-worker or even your boss. Therefore, it is important to err on the side of caution. Next time, graciously wave your nemesis into the open spot, smiling politely. After all, you should be happy! Once that overeager parker leaves his precious Benz, you’ll make quick work of those tires and the paint job with your old pal, Screwy McScrewdriver. The great thing about other people is they can’t read your thoughts. So just keep smiling, jot down the license plate, go find another spot, and then return to the scene of the conflict and introduce Mr. Screwdriver to that overpriced E-Class.

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(The following was left as an online comment on the first Moe Shuns advice column.)

A Motions advice column? VEEEERRRY Original.

Signed,

The last Advice Column guy this year . . . remember?

Dear The Guy I Replaced,

There were not too many requirements for this job. Yes, the judge ordered me to do it, but when I talked to the Motions Editor in Chief, the only requirement he asked of me was to only capitalize proper nouns and the first word of every sentence. Apparently, the last advice guy (you) had trouble determining when a capital letter was needed. It pains me to see that over a semester later, you are still having trouble with basic punctuation. For instance, you only wrote three sentences (including your rather forced “name”), yet you had the same number (3) of mistakes regarding unnecessary capitalization.

maYbe the next time yOU wish to write A propeR advicE column, first seek the Advice of a 7th graDer for those tricky punCtuation and grammar mistaKes. Pardon my improper punctuation; I still must be ironing out the wrinkles of this pesky thing we call the English language.

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Dear Moe Shuns,

I broke the cardinal rule and started dating a law student when we were 1Ls. I felt like it was still cool though because we were in different sections. It’s been almost a year now, and we’re pretty serious. Here’s my problem: This is the first semester we’ve taken a class together, and my Warren Hall Romeo is actually an obnoxious gunner. Not only is he over-enthusiastic about sharing his opinions, his comments are drawn out, unnecessary, and absolutely absurd. I feel like I need to tell him, but it might ruin our relationship. What’s a girl to do?

Sincerely,

Anti-Gunner

Dear A-G,

What a mess you’ve gotten yourself into! I suspect that while you may have only just recently found this out, your boyfriend exuded all the telltale signs of his gunner-dom long before you had your first class together. Is he not highly opinionated outside of school? Do not his comments already drone on seemingly forever? Finally, isn’t he already a tool?

The way I see it, you have two options. First, you can embrace his lifestyle choice and join him in his gunning ways. Think of it: a law-school power couple! Reminds you of John Kennedy and Jackie O . . . only instead of the general public loving you, they’ll detest you in every way imaginable. Ask not what you can do for your boyfriend, but what your boyfriend can do to shut up! Oh, and whatever you do, tell your boyfriend to stay away from any grassy knolls!

Your second option (and the one I wholeheartedly endorse) is to simply call it off with this man. But then again, I must ask: Who dates another law student in the first place? That’s right, only crazy people. So really, it’s only a matter of time before the men in white coats with oversized butterfly nets come to take you away. Maybe it’s just best you two enjoy each other’s company before they throw you into a straight-jacket and lock you both up.

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That’s all the space I have. Thanks again for the questions, folks. Moe loves ya, and I can’t wait to solve more of your problems, law school or otherwise! Remember, if you want a question answered, e-mail me at motions@sandiego.edu with your question. Until next time . . .

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