Moe Shuns, Esq. at Your Service! Vol. III (Mar. 2011)

Can you feel it? Spring is in the air. Our long and arduous struggle against Old Man Winter and his 55-degree highs coupled with merely mostly sunny skies are now over. And for you law students, it means a few more weeks before you finally have to open that E&E and figure out what the heck your professor has been going on and on about these last few months. Now, let’s see what’s in the ol’ mailbag . . .

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Dear Moe Shuns,

Why is it that law students booze to the point of retardation?

(unsigned)

Dear Mystery Reader,

You’ve made a great observation. And I can attest, “the hobby” doesn’t stop once you finish law school. It follows you into your career. So why do those in the legal community yearn for the sudsy beckoning of a cool and refreshing pint of their favorite adult beverage? The reason is not simply “because we’re miserable.” That’s the easy answer. I happen to think it’s because we’re miserable and taking copious amounts of other diversions tends to show up easier on urine tests.

But I am no psychologist. Hell, I’m barely a competent lawyer. If you’re looking for someone to analyze your subconscious, talk to those old tiger magicians in Vegas, Sigmund and Freud. I can merely give you tips on how to successfully control your drinking tendencies:

1. Start drinking earlier in the day. Many people will think you could not possibly be drunk at, say, 10:30 in the morning. Those people will simply assume your slurred speech and grabby fingers must mean you just haven’t gotten your morning cup of coffee yet. Then, when you do actually go for the coffee machine, just pour a little Baileys in there. I hear it’s quite big in Ireland.

2. Why even call it a drinking problem? The way I see it, if you tell me there’s a drink that makes you sound smarter and more charismatic, in addition to making every member of the opposite gender sexier, I’d call that a drinking solution.

3. Most jobs would frown upon your sudsy shenanigans. But remember, you’re working with other lawyers (read: other like-minded individuals). Similar to how the mafia looks after its own, so too do lawyers. (At least when it comes to hiding your substance abuse problems. Professionally, lawyers will no doubt stab you in the back while simultaneously robbing your mother and kicking your dog.)

Well, reader, I hope those tips helped you and your present—and future—drinking pursuits.

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Dear Moe,

Just got back from Cancun for my Spring Break. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great time, but now that finals are right around the corner, I’m really having trouble staying focused and motivated for these next few weeks. All I can think about is laying out on that beach while forgetting all my troubles back here in this reality. What should I do?

De-motivated in Mission Valley

Dear De-motivated,

You’re probably losing focus because you’ve contracted syphilis. I’m rather sure I saw this in an episode of House, M.D. That’s a show about a doctor addicted to painkillers who diagnoses rare and mysterious diseases, all while sporting perhaps the most famous neckbeard in television history.

Anyway, so yeah, you’ve got syphilis.

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Hey Moe,

Like most law students, I’m poor. I scour the law school chalkboards looking for free lunches on a weekly basis. My problem is that the organizations normally get nasty, greasy, bowel-movement-inducing Dominos Pizza. While it is convenient for my bottom line, it’s hell on my waistline. Is there any way to tell these groups to order some healthier alternatives?

Thank you,

Future Lard-o

Hey Lard-o,

I wish I could empathize with you. Fortunately for me, I have quite the metabolism. I eat PopTarts topped with two strips of bacon and a Twinkie for breakfast each morning. Women still can’t get enough of my only-somewhat-flabby paunch. Still, I do understand your concerns about Dominos and the havoc it wreaks on your digestive tract. I think my personal record of time between eating a slice of Dominos and using the restroom is 17 minutes, 32 seconds.

Now I must preface this answer with the fact that I am indeed no physician. But I sincerely question whether it is the Dominos that is making you get all tubby. In fact, I believe Dominos acts more like a laxative, effectively (and rapidly) flushing out your system with nary a chance for your digestive system to soak up any fat. So it’s probably the lack of any exercise whatsoever that is to blame. Maybe put down the casebook and go for a freaking walk once in while, “Lard-o.”

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Questions, comments, insults, whatever—all are welcome. Just send ‘em off to motions@sandiego.edu and give Moe your own two cents.

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