After ABA Accreditation Committee Circles for Hours in Car, USD to Lose Accreditation

By: Evan Acker

Seen here, the ABA national headquarters.

Seen here, the ABA national headquarters.

In what was supposed to be a routine accreditation for USD School of Law, the American Bar Association (ABA) has revoked the school’s accreditation after attempting to find a parking spot for two hours before finally giving up and driving back to Los Angeles without stepping foot into Warren Hall.

Robert Samsonite, head of the ABA committee, was looking forward to visiting America’s Finest City and doing what he thought would be a very standard re-accrediting of the law school.

“We timed it perfectly.  We left L.A. at 9:30 a.m. and missed all substantial traffic down [Interstate 5],” he said.  “We got off at that SeaWorld Drive, saw the sign for USD, and, well, honestly, it was a breeze!”

Things took a turn for the worse, though, as the committee reached campus.

“First, we apparently needed a visitor’s pass, because when we tried to drive by the little kiosk, the woman inside nearly sprinted to stop us from behind.  It reminded me of that Terminator movie where the bad guy runs and tries to catch up with the moving van.”

After getting the required pass, they were directed to the law school lot.

“Well, getting to Warren Hall at 11:30 in the morning was a bad move as I know realize, as there was already a line of cars stalking people walking through the law school parking lot.  We were rather put off.”

Undeterred, though, the committee then drove back to the Mission Parking Structure and was similarly dismayed.

“We get up to this rather large structure and expect to see a wide variety of parking.  Then we go in.  Oh, no spots on the roof, let’s just keep going.  And then this unsettling feeling hits.  So many cars, and really not that many spaces.  And then we realized what those little lights all around the parking garage were about.”

“Any school that puts in what I imagine to a be a million-dollar project to install red and green lights above parking spaces…well, just what is the point of that?  So the one car that sees the one green light speeds down the lot at 55 miles per hour and screeches into the spot?” Samsonite’s fellow committee member Lindsay Ruth said.  “We all just looked at each other and decided right there and then that maybe USD wasn’t the shoe-in for accreditation we thought it was.”

Did USD still have a chance at that point?

“I was sort of on the fence,” Samsonite said.  “Larry, my second-in-command, was less open-minded.  He had really needed to pee at around Orange, so this endless circling was really stressing him out.  Lindsay was still ranting about that useless red light/green light parking system.”

The ABA committee finally decided USD was not ABA-worthy after another talk with the USD employee at the kiosk.

“She told us, with a straight face, that we could park on the OTHER END OF THE SCHOOL, and a freaking TRAM would take us up.  And the tram might be there when we got there, or it might be 25 minutes.  She couldn’t say.  We started to laugh, but when we realized she was serious, we all broke down in tears.  It had been a long trip.  Larry ended up having an accident.  That was just the cherry on top, though.  Really, our decision had already been made.  No one said anything, but I drove out onto that Linda Vista Road and went back to the freeway.  We all knew USD was getting the kibosh.”

Disclaimer: This article is for comedic purposes only and is not to be taken seriously… at all.  It’s April Fool’s.  All names, places, happenstances, happenings, unhappenings, and all references to M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” are for the use of parody and did not actually happen.  No matter how much we wish they had.

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