In an unprecedented move, the University of San Diego School of Law announced today that it will now accept the future firstborn children of students as payment for tuition in lieu of student loans.
Citing ballooning levels of law student debt and a weak job market, the school will allow students to sign a contract promising their firstborn children to USD Law, which will then sell the children to rich couples unable to conceive. Head of the Financial Aid department, Gimmy Yochildren, says that this unique program will allow law students to work towards their Juris Doctorate without worrying about being buried in loan payments after graduation.
Yochildren dismissed the detractors who argue that this is unethical. “They can always have another kid. Plus, if they do get jobs at a firm, young lawyers will be too busy working 100 hours a week to take care of a little one. Let’s face it, the first kid is usually a mistake anyways.”
In an apparently unrelated matter, the school also announced that it will start serving hard alcohol at Dean’s Mixers.
Disclaimer: This article is for comedic purposes only and is not to be taken seriously… at all. It’s April Fool’s. All names, places, happenstances, happenings, unhappenings, and all references to M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” are for the use of parody and did not actually happen. No matter how much we wish they had.