Coffee: How it May Save the School and Your Career!

By: Charles Ronan

There are few things the human body needs to survive: air, water, food, and sleep.  In law school, this list changes a little.  It reads more like air, coffee, pizza, and coffee.  The hours in a day seem to slip away as well.  In undergrad, it seemed like a day had somewhere between 36 to 42 hours.  Studying for finals could be completed in one night.  Writing a paper for class took, at most, two days.  However, now there seems to be only 14 hours in a day and everything takes twice as long as it should.  Before, I could read a 250-page book in a single day; now, I can barely read 30 pages of Remedies in four hours–and I often have no idea what I read.  Well never fear, while you sit in Wills and Trusts looking through “Pinterest” to decide what to have for dinner, what breed your next dog will be, what to wear to the Barrister’s Ball, where to get married, or what ottoman table to buy, USD School of Law, is working hard to help you out.

As soon as Dean Ferruolo took over, he made it a priority to move the school forward, and in one sweeping motion, he has taken a major step to solving many of the issues facing the school.  With the ABA accreditation team visiting the school and the new law school rankings out, this move could not have come at a better time.  Dean Ferruolo, in connection with “Doug’s Coffee Cart,” has developed the first ever classroom-coffee delivery service.  That is right; there is even an app for that.  You can use the app or call a toll free phone number to have coffee delivered right to your seat, in class or at the library.

The good news does not stop there.  While coffee is one of the greatest needs students have—and this saves time, which law students never have enough of–this program will also be part of the larger effort to get students jobs and to move the school up in the rankings.  This is accomplished through multiple avenues.  First, 1Ls and 2Ls often have trouble figuring out how to fit that first job into their busy schedule, or, worse, trying to find one at all.  Fortunately, students will be able to work as coffee deliverers and count it as legal work through a gentle enhancing of some job titles.  Do you want credit for an In-House Corporate Counsel Internship?  Give Doug advice on how much coffee to buy next time he goes to Costco and you get two credits and an entry on your resume.  Need a summer job?  Make the Costco run for Doug and you can put “worked in Mergers and Acquisitions” on your resume—sure, you only did acquisitions, but they never expect interns to have tons of experience.

Here is the part that will have the most impact on the school: recent graduates will make the deliveries.  Doug’s requirement that only recent graduates from ABA-accredited schools, who have passed the California Bar Exam, work there is brilliant.  Do you see what the Dean did there?  Now, the school can report that all those graduates are working in a J.D. required job!  Top 50 ranking, here we come!

There are also plans to branch out into other areas.  Soon, the bookstore will have class delivery for supplements, for those days you forgot you were on-call; or, in case you had a rough night in PB and just do not want to come in.  You can have a recent graduate, who “cali-ed” your class, sit in your seat for the class you are on-call—you know the professor has no idea who you are anyway.  Also, if you find yourself sitting in a test room, on the day of your final, realizing that the final is not closed book, you can call the soon to be set up “outline number” and they will deliver a professor-specific outline to your class in less than five minutes.

By the time the entire program is in place, the Dean hopes to employ at least half of the graduating class in some type of delivery program.  While these jobs are mainly geared for those interested in transactional work, you should not worry.  The delivery service will run on credit, so those graduates interested in bankruptcy and litigation can get practice as well.

So, as you prepare to pick your fall classes, do not worry about taking that 7:30 p.m. Con Law class.  Coffee will be there when you need it, in less than 5 minutes or it is free.  Thanks to Dean Ferruolo and Doug.

If you are interested in trying out the delivery service, starting April 1, just call (YES) KID-DING or scan the Quick Response Code below to download the app for that.

Disclaimer: This article is for comedic purposes only and is not to be taken seriously… at all.  It’s April Fool’s.  All names, places, happenstances, happenings, unhappenings, and all references to M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” are for the use of parody and did not actually happen.  No matter how much we wish they had.

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