By: Sam Laughlin
Over the weekend, San Diego police announced a possible link between University of San Diego School of Law Dean Stephen C. Ferruolo and the masked crime fighter, “Liberty Man,” wanted for various acts of vigilante justice since last July.
“We will not comment in matters relating to an on-going investigation,” noted San Diego police chief William Lansdowne during a press conference Sunday afternoon. “However, we have reason to request Dean Ferruolo’s presence as a person of interest related to the figure ‘Liberty Man.’ I will not comment on rumors linking the two together, but I think the connection is quite obvious.”
That connection struck the University of San Diego School of Law as quite a shock. “These rumors are absolutely preposterous,” read an official press release by USD School of Law. “Dean Ferruolo is a busy law school administrator with a schedule too full for such shenanigans,” it went on. “Also, Liberty Man has a mustache. Dean Ferruolo does not have a mustache. Case closed.”
Others were not so sure. “Now that you mention it,” said Vice Dean Mary Jo Wiggins, “Dean Ferruolo is always in quite a hurry. I rarely ever see him in one place for more than a few minutes. Also, he does appear to workout, and he’s pretty nimble. It wouldn’t surprise me.”
“I have one question,” remarked Professor Roy Brooks. “Have you ever seen the two of them in the same place at the same time? No, you haven’t! The only reeeeeeasonable conclusion is: THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON!”
The mysterious figure known as “Liberty Man” first appeared following the annual Fourth of July festivities in downtown San Diego. Four known drug dealers were found unconscious by San Diego police, wrapped in an American flag, and hanging from city hall by their feet with the note “And justice for all” written in charcoal on their foreheads.
Over the passing months, citizens reported a mustached and masked individual dressed in a stars-and-stripes ensemble with tights and a flowing cape jumping from roof-top to roof-top, his appearance directly corresponding with the unexplained citizen-arrest of San Diego criminals.
In early October, Russian mafia boss Gregory Yuantonokovo was found tied to the main gate of the San Diego Zoo by two live bald eagles, a collection of incriminating financial reports and criminal correspondence tied to the birds’ legs. “And justice for all,” was again written on his forehead in charcoal.
In January, police found seven San Diego stockbrokers, recently released from city custody over a technicality concerning a housing market pyramid scheme, tied to the USS Midway in San Diego harbor. They each had copies of the United States Constitution stuffed into their pockets.
Rumors spread in early February among students at the University of San Diego concerning reported sightings of Liberty Man around campus. “Yeah, I usually see him jumping around every Tuesday night,” commented law student Brian Taylor. “Sometimes I see him going into O’Toole’s and ordering a high ball.” O’Toole’s management declined comment.
Dean Ferruolo is presently out of the state visiting law schools “friendly to USD,” though no one is sure of his specific location. “Oh, he does that,” said his receptionist. “He’s always going on unscheduled trips; always coming and going. Those conferences he goes to are very hard on him. He always has fresh bruises and cuts on his forehead. He’s such a klutz!”
When cornered at Doug’s coffee cart several weeks ago, Dean Ferruolo brushed off the rumors. “Oh, I am certainly not Liberty Man,” he told this Motions reporter. “Then again… don’t all Americans stand for liberty, truth, and justice for all? Could we not all be part of Liberty Man, and he part of all of us? I certainly hope so,” he remarked before disappearing in the blink-of-an-eye. He has not been seen since.
Disclaimer: This article is for comedic purposes only and is not to be taken seriously… at all. It’s April Fool’s. All names, places, happenstances, happenings, unhappenings, and all references to M. Night Shyamalan’s ”The Happening” are for the use of parody and did not actually happen. No matter how much we wish they had.