USD Alum Wins Case, Buys Blackacre

By: Camille Edwards

Blackarce, pictured here, in all its glory.

USD Law alum and new lawyer, David Koresh, won his first major case last month: a multi-million-dollar class-action lawsuit against Veridian Dynamics, the manufacturer of the diet drug SkinnyQuick.  The drug caused disturbing and disfiguring side effects, such as speaking in tongues, growing a third nipple, and spontaneous combustion.

So what did Koresh decide to buy with his massive paycheck?  A house?  A yacht?

Nope.  Instead, he bought Blackacre.

Yes, the mysterious place that causes law students so much agony in first year is real; a run-down old plantation outside Atlanta.  Koresh, who nearly failed Property his first year, said he burned down the Blackacre sign and danced around the flames.

Koresh then promptly announced that he registered the trademark of the name “Blackacre.”  “Gotcha,” he said smugly, “now every time someone writes Blackacre in a textbook, puts ‘I own Blackacre’ on a mug, or some jerky 1L makes a Blackacre joke, I get $50.”

Disclaimer: This article is for comedic purposes only and is not to be taken seriously… at all.  It’s April Fool’s.  All names, places, happenstances, happenings, unhappenings, and all references to M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Happening” are for the use of parody and did not actually happen.  No matter how much we wish they had.

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