OH GOD- I forgot to study for my exam… but fear not!

By: Chris Dibbern

1L: Why are you reading this?  You have no time to read Motions articles; you need to study or else you won’t get any OCI’s!  This is your future!  Well, if you’re going to throw your life away by reading one measly news article, I’ll go ahead and give you some tips:

  • Ask the professor for past exams.  Cry if you don’t get what you want.
  • Get Law in a Flash cards from the library.  Painstakingly copy them onto your own index cards for your future reference.  You haven’t taken copyright yet, so there shouldn’t be an ethical problem.
  • There must be someone out there with an outline for you.  Ask the closest person in the Writs not wearing a janitorial uniform.  On second thought, ask the people in the janitorial uniforms.
  • Post a question to the class on TWEN.  After no one responds, facebook chat your classmates at 2am.  If people ask, refuse to discuss where you got those cute jeans you’re wearing in your default picture.

2L: After the school stopped picking my classes for me last semester, I was in a pickle.  Should I take classes that I need, or classes that I might like?  After getting laughed at in every interview involving questions about my current class load, I decided to buckle down and take some required courses this semester.  Here are my tips:

  • Unlike last semester, you’re basically screwed.  Bring your toothbrush from home and plan to fall asleep on top of your books in the Writs.
  • Make your own flash cards.  Memorize them and throw them away.  Rinse and repeat.
  • Trade outlines with classmates.  By this, I mean give outlines to people in your class.  They must be paper copies.  Don’t forget to attach exploding dye packs like the ones they have at the bank.  Congratulations, you just helped the curve.

3L: After 3 years of this, I think I have mastered the art of the final exam.  Regardless, I simply haven’t mustered the energy to open any of my casebooks in my last semester.  Yes, I procrastinate, but you, the reader, are like me and that’s why you need these tips.  Here they are:

  • Break the cellophane on your casebook.  Seriously, it’s time.
  • Everyone who’s anyone has an outline for the courses you’re taking.  Try to ask everyone, even if they’re the girl whose name you couldn’t remember even though she pined for you all 1L year.
  • When younger law kids ask you for outlines, make like a Heisman Trophy and give them a nice stiff arm.  You have no time for their silly problems.
  • Apologize to that one 2L you stiff-armed because he took one of your classes last semester and has a great outline.
  • You must have some leftover highlighters in your backpack beneath the stale Cheetos and crumpled up syllabi.  Use them!

 4L: First of all, yes, I exist.  I have been attending night classes here for the past four years.  Sure, I missed a lot of Must See TV, but getting a law degree is well worth all the sacrifices (loads of money, a happy wife, etc.).  Here are my study tips:

  • Ignore wife, kid, and dogs and spend every night at the library.  Let your wife think that you have a mistress.  Trust me, it’s for the best.
  • You probably have a day job, so shirk all your responsibilities and catch up on your readings.
  • Buy Depends, they really work!
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