As we all know, last Sunday was Oscar Sunday. A large portion of you probably could care less about Oscar Sunday because you were off doing something stupid and meaningful that night like studying the law or hanging out with your family. The other half of you only kept up with the Oscars for the purposes of trying to win Professor Semitsu’s Oscar Pool (congrats again Annie Su!!!) The other small percentage of you are like me, and love the Oscars–not for the awards or the movies per se–but for all of the FASHION. My name is Audrey Olson. Yes, I am completely superficial. No, I’m not mad about it.
For people like me, the red carpet is really the highlight of the show. We ooh and aah at Catherine Zeta Jones, we drool over Hugh Jackman (and the entire male cast of Les Mis, for that matter), and we start using tons of Visine to sooth our burning eyeballs after Anne Hathaway pops up on screen. After watching Hathaway’s boobs accept her Oscar for her that night, I (and the majority of America) found ourselves echoing Heart of Darkness as we screamed “The horror! The horror!” (And yes, I did just mention Heart of Darkness solely for the purpose of trying to sound smart.)
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand everyone has the right to “individually express themselves” and all that crap. I don’t care. There are certain things that will never look cute, and there are certain fashion trends that will never be OK. Anne Hathaway wearing a see through pink apron made out of paper-bag material on the night she is going to win an Oscar is just one example. Here are some others that I unfortunately see all too frequently at USD.
1.) Spandex Pants as Real Pants
Stop doing it. Unless you are going to the gym, wearing black spandex pants in place of real pants will forever make you look like white trash. Even if you’re not white. This is not a good thing. There are only two permissible exceptions where wearing spandex pants is permissible, if not encouraged: (1) If you are going to exercise after class or if you just left the gym and then came to class. Yeah you’ll smell like sweat, but at least you won’t look like an idiot. (2) If you are wearing a tunic or a shirt that is long enough to at least cover your butt. Go crazy with your spandex in that case, my friends.
This plea is probably going to upset some of my male friends, but seriously, looking like a hobo in public is not worth being able to show off your goodies at law school. Then again, if you are going to school with the intention of showing off your goodies, you probably have problems far worse than looking like a hobo in public
2.) Tank Tops on Men
We’ve all heard me talk about this one many a time. Naturally, the gym and beach exceptions apply here as well, although even then you’re pushing it. Basically, it’s pretty simple, guys. If you want to look like you just left the set of Jersey Shore, please, keep wearing your tank tops. And while you’re at it, go and get a spray tan after class too.
3.) All Too Short Shorts
Don’t get me wrong, I honestly love me a pair of Daisy Dukes. However, there’s a line between wearing shorts and between wearing bathing suit bottoms. For example, there I was, the first week of class. My morning class had just ended, and I friend of mine and I were getting up and heading towards the exit of the classroom, when suddenly I spotted a girl who at first glance appeared to be wearing only a shirt and nothing else. In shock, I went a bit closer to her and noticed perhaps one of the greatest magic tricks I had seen all year: she WAS wearing shorts! Granted, they were probably an inch long, but lo and behold they were there. Here was someone who had managed to wear bottoms without actually wearing bottoms. It was miraculous. It was also absolutely horrific. Listen, homegirls, if you’ve got it and want to flaunt it, that’s great, really. We’re all proud of you. But seriously, save it for the beach or the clubz. I’d like to think the law college is a bit classier than that.
I could probably go on for a bit longer about fashion faux pas, but I don’t think I should come off as more of a judgmental elitist than I really am. So let’s leave it there, people, and try to up our standards a bit. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to look like the next Anne Hathaway.